Your capitalization of the "S" in "Sane" is a small detail, but one of my favorites. By capitalizing the letter, the word becomes almost like a person or some sort of separate entity from the speaker. It helps emphasize the idea that sanity is almost foreign to him, something he knows the name of, but doesn't necessarily feel or understand. The portion of the second stanza where you are juxtaposing the frennetic urgency of the speaker ("I need, I crave, I share, I don't - my lungs scream for icy air,") with the apparent calmness of the other boaters ("others dock their boats.") is a really beautiful transition into silence. However, I do wish that there was more back and forth between the experience of the speaker vs. the other people before the silence hits. I think that by building that sense of otherness or separation from other people and the anxiety that comes with it, you could make the silence even more impactful. "I cannot cause a scene
just to mention that I choke," is incredible and I genuinely wish that I would've thought of that because it's perfect in this piece.
Wow, this reminds me of when I was thrown into the deep end of the pool and didn’t know how to resurface. My lungs were aching for air when finally I came to the top. The lifeguard didn’t even notice and this was one of the times I could have died. So glad to have survived.. Very well written and hope he survived..
Your capitalization of the "S" in "Sane" is a small detail, but one of my favorites. By capitalizing the letter, the word becomes almost like a person or some sort of separate entity from the speaker. It helps emphasize the idea that sanity is almost foreign to him, something he knows the name of, but doesn't necessarily feel or understand. The portion of the second stanza where you are juxtaposing the frennetic urgency of the speaker ("I need, I crave, I share, I don't - my lungs scream for icy air,") with the apparent calmness of the other boaters ("others dock their boats.") is a really beautiful transition into silence. However, I do wish that there was more back and forth between the experience of the speaker vs. the other people before the silence hits. I think that by building that sense of otherness or separation from other people and the anxiety that comes with it, you could make the silence even more impactful. "I cannot cause a scene
just to mention that I choke," is incredible and I genuinely wish that I would've thought of that because it's perfect in this piece.
Wow, this reminds me of when I was thrown into the deep end of the pool and didn’t know how to resurface. My lungs were aching for air when finally I came to the top. The lifeguard didn’t even notice and this was one of the times I could have died. So glad to have survived.. Very well written and hope he survived..